Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The first officer is stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.
that was a wild ride
I was waiting for that to turn into a porn scene.
This is long-awaited story, and I am finally ready to tell it.
It all begins with this celestial image that I uploaded as my student ID picture:
Then, out of the blue, I received this email:
It was a fair request. Not everyone can handle the beauty of a Farah sunrise, and it would probably be too distracting for the campus staff members.
I uploaded a more classic, simple look:
Yet Rebecca was still unsatisfied:
Here is where I got offended. What is wrong with my face against a black background? If anything, the simplicity of the cut-out makes it easier to identify me. And if the “quality and zoom” of the picture is fine, then why is “all that black space” a problem? Seriously, I cannot find a single reason why a black background would be an issue here. Are you trying to save on ink costs or some shit? Or would a skyline somehow legitimize the image? You’re trying to identify my FACE. This is the easiest way to look at my face.
Rebecca was obviously completely irrational, but I complied. I sent in an un-photoshopped image.
Finally! Well…not so fast. Rebecca once again proved her mental volatility with a most disappointing flip-flop:
Talk about a blow to the heart! Just like Trayvon, I couldn’t gain the man’s approval while wearing a hood. So, I uploaded a picture to show Rebecca how she made me feel:
And then, the most painful rejection of them all:
So mean. So, so mean. Rebecca’s high standards and emotional unavailability finally forced me to give up. I was never going to gain her validation. But you know what? If she couldn’t handle the whole package—photoshop and all—then she just wasn’t worth it.
It was time to stop changing myself to impress her. So I sent her one last image of the real me—the way I see myself:
She never responded :’(
But as it turns out, Rebecca is on the Residential Life team, and she told ResLife that no one should have to be my roommate. So I got a single dorm room.
This is my favorite post of all time.
This is awesome.
best drake-bynes joke i’ve seen.
An 87 Year Old College Student Named Rose
The first day of school our professor introduced himself and challenged us to get to know someone we didn’t already know.
I stood up to look around when a gentle hand touched my shoulder. I turned round to find a wrinkled, little old lady beaming up at me
with a smile that lit up her entire being.
She said, “Hi handsome. My name is Rose. I’m eighty-seven years old. Can I give you a hug?”
I laughed and enthusiastically responded, “Of course you may!” and she gave me a giant squeeze.
“Why are you in college at such a young, innocent age?” I asked.
She jokingly replied, “I’m here to meet a rich husband, get married, and have a couple of kids…”
“No seriously,” I asked. I was curious what may have motivated her to be taking on this challenge at her age.
“I always dreamed of having a college education and now I’m getting one!” she told me.
After class we walked to the student union building and shared a chocolate milkshake.We became instant friends. Every day for the
next three months, we would leave class together and talk nonstop. I was always mesmerized listening to this “time machine”
as she shared her wisdom and experience with me.
Over the course of the year, Rose became a campus icon and she easily made friends wherever she went. She loved to dress up and
she reveled in the attention bestowed upon her from the other students. She was living it up.
At the end of the semester we invited Rose to speak at our football banquet. I’ll never forget what she taught us. She was
introduced and stepped up to the podium.
As she began to deliver her prepared speech, she dropped her three by five cards on the floor. Frustrated and a little embarrassed she leaned into the microphone and simply said, “I’m sorry I’m so jittery. I gave up beer for Lent and this whiskey is killing me! I’ll never get my speech back in order so let me just tell
you what I know.”
As we laughed she cleared her throat and began, “We do not stop playing because we are old; we grow old because we stop
playing. There are only four secrets to staying young, being happy, and achieving success. You have to laugh and find humor every day.
You’ve got to have a dream. When you lose your dreams, you die.
We have so many people walking around who are dead and don’t even know it!There is a huge difference between growing
older and growing up.
If you are nineteen years old and lie in bed for one full year and don’t do one productive thing, you will turn twenty years old.
If I am eighty-seven years old and stay in bed for a year and never do anything I will turn eighty-eight.
Anybody can grow older. That doesn’t take any talent or ability. The idea is to grow up by always finding opportunity in change.
Have no regrets.
The elderly usually don’t have regrets for what we did, but rather for things we did not do. The only people who fear death are those
She concluded her speech by courageously singing “The Rose.”
She challenged each of us to study the lyrics and live them out in our daily lives.
At the year’s end Rose finished the college degree she had begun all those years ago. One week after graduation Rose died
peacefully in her sleep.
Over two thousand college students attended her funeral in tribute to the wonderful woman who taught by example that it’s
never too late to be all you can possibly be .When you finish reading this, please send this peaceful word of advice to your friends and family, they’ll really enjoy it!
These words have been passed along in loving memory of ROSE.
REMEMBER, GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY. GROWING UP IS
We make a Living by what we get, We make a Life by what we give.
Sometimes we hate going after our dreams. They seem top hard or too far away to accomplish. All too often we expect a second go or another shot at the chances we didn’t take the first time around. “Next time,” we say. “I’ll ask her out next time.”
Life doesn’t work perfectly, and it never will. It could work better, sure, but don’t bank on happiness as a prize so far down the road that you forget the joy of right now. This is your “one and wild and precious life,” and it’s up to you to decide what to do with it. Nothing should be out of reach. The shoulders of greatness are there for the standing on.